


Not Like This

by SilverWhiteRaven



Category: Maribat - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Sorta Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:36:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWhiteRaven/pseuds/SilverWhiteRaven
Summary: Secret Santa for PersephonesCatConstagami, but it doesn't work out just yet.
Relationships: John Constantine/Kagami Tsurugi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PersephonesCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersephonesCat/gifts).



A knuckle knocked on a foreboding looking door of carved dark oak. 

John Constantine was trying to see the woman he loved most, during one of the far and few between times he could see her in person. 

Kagami Tsurugi answered the door with a gentle smile, saying no words as she stepped aside to let him in, as always.

“Lovely to see you, little Dragon,” John says, returning the smile. But Kagami was perceptive, she knew his smile was strained, and he wasn't there for the casual pleasure of her company.

“And you, Beanpole,” she returns the greeting out of ingrained courtesy. “What brings you here? You look more worried than usual.”

He swallowed, unsure how to start. “We… need to talk.”

Her defenses rose in an instant, her posture rigid and tense, and he could only imagine that if this was the start of a battle, her hands would be at the hilt of a sword already. 

“About?” she inquired pensively.

“Us.”

“What about us, John?” He was silent for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts that had been building for a long time, and he knew they would eventually burst out no matter what with how things had been going.

“Lov,” John finally started, softly, “we can’t keep goin’ like this.”

“Like what?” Kagami shot back, a hint of malice lacing her feint of ignorance. 

“Like That,” he gestured, indicating her response as a whole. “The aggression, the discontent, all this ignoring and pushing away. We just can’t do it, ‘Gami. Not any more.”

She stayed quiet, averting her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest in a way he knew meant she was bracing herself, trying to protect herself from what was coming. It twisted the knot in his stomach even harder, cinching his throat, but he continued, because he needed to.

They both needed him to, no matter the pain.

“It’s good to dream, lov, It’s good to have ambitions and desires. We both want things. Hell, we both want each other, more than either of us can express. I’d go to hell and back for you every day just for you. You know that. I know you’d try to do it, too, if I ever let ya.”

Kagami’s head drooped ever slightly, and he stepped closer, just to give her a bit of comfort with his presence. 

“But sweetheart, my beautiful dragon, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.”

“How?” Kagami finally replied to John, looking at him with anger and painful confusion in her eyes. “How are we setting ourselves up for disaster, as you say?”

“Our paths don’t cross where we need, Kagami,” John replied, looking sorrowfully back at her.

“Our paths are crossed right now,” she refuted.

He shook his head. “Not often enough. Not in the right ways.”

“Well, if you weren't away constantly searching for your precious magic tomes, we might have more time together,” she accused harshly, purposefully ignorant. It stung him, but he held his ground, even if it felt as though it was slipping out from under him.

“Magic is my passion, ‘Gami, you know that. And those ancient texts are important to more than just me. But even if they weren't, I can't give up the biggest part of my life like that. I won't.”

“And what, John? You expect me to do it instead?” She stepped closer, trying to intimidate him. He stepped back.

“What? No- Your career in the Olympics? I’d never want to take that from you, no matter how busy it makes you. I don’t want to take away your time behind the red mask, either,” he added, glancing down to the choker at her neck. “That alone means as much to you as my own magic does to me.”

Kagami backs off a step, hand now at her neck protectively despite having nothing to fear. But that hesitation to trust him, it turned John’s mouth dry and his stomach upside down. 

“Lov, can’t you see? We dreamed too hard and mixed up reality with desire.”

“I don't understand,” she countered hotly.

“We aren't in a relationship, Kagami, but we made plans of the future like we were already married and preparing for twin tots and an in-house nanny.” Kagami winced, and he regretted that he had to state things so plainly, so bluntly. But it was far too true to beat around the bushes for.

“I don’t see your point, Beanstalk,” she replied, dodging the point. “We want to be in a relationship, just hasn't been the right time to go official yet.”

“Bollocks, Lov,” John let out a breath of frustration, “the point is neither of us can keep waiting for something we’ve been telling ourselves and each other will come, when it’s not even been made into existence to begin with.”

“But we-”

“Wanting things to be real,” he interrupted before she could put up a false hope for them both, “is different from things being real at all. I've seen people build up to truly potential possibilities without having a solid base of reality to build on. And let me tell you, it isn't pretty when it all falls down London Bridge style.” He refrained from saying she had seen it, too. The very Supervillain that caused her to gain her Miraculous fell to failure from trying to skip the steps of reality.

She kept looking at him, quiet, glancing between his eyes, looking for a crack in his resolve. He refused to show her any, no matter how much she seemed to be wanting it.

“We need to step back,” he said gently. “We need… a break.”

The denial and anger resurfacing in her eyes only lead him to keep going, to keep staying calm as possible, for her sake.

“Kagami, we act like doe-eyed lovers but our words say we’re nothing more than friends. It’s like we’re pining idiots for one person and friendzonin’ another, all in one all at the same time. What kind of relationship is that? Full of promises we can’t yet keep? Emotional support, guaranteed communication, and God forbid some deep intimacy, are things we need, Lov, and ask for from each other, but the ugly, bloody fact is that we- you,” he amends, wincing at the admission, “keep flipping the allowance of those things like a switch. And I let you, because we aren’t together and yet we want to be, like that’s some kind of excuse for us to string each other along.”

John couldn't tell if Kagami was crying, or if it was moisture welling up in his own eyes that were making her eyes look wet over the pain and emotional storm.

“So what,” she said, her voice hard but lacking real volume.

“We Can’t keep gettin’ hurt, ‘Gami. I won’t let you keep this going, not with the way it hurts you.” Not with the way it hurts me, too, he thought to himself. “Stopping this now will be easier now. Less pain, more healing.”

“So we’ll never see each other again, then,” Kagami spat with steel.

John shook his head, “No- no, we can still have hopes, desires, we can still work together and build something new, something bigger, some day. But this? The rising up and tearing down, over and over? We can’t sustain that, not if we don't want to get hurt permanently. Irreversibly. We either are together or we aren't, no more flux in between.

“Besides,” he added with a half smile, “Maybe you'll find someone new, who really deserves you, and who can be there for you like you want, like I couldn't. I don’t want to keep that from you, sweetheart, it wouldn't be right.”

Eyes closed tight, she hung her head and shook it like she was trying to shake the situation out of existence. John reached out and gently ran his hands comfortingly through her hair, and she stilled. He could feel wetness on her cheeks.

“This isn’t goodbye, Lov, just, something else for us to hold between us. Something healthier. Someday, maybe something better.”

Kagami, after a moment, nodded ever so slightly, but didn’t look back up. He heaved a sigh through the rock in his stomach and block in his throat, and stepped back, hand falling limp at his side. 

“I should go. We have dreams to catch and enemies to knock off their feet, and we can't do those just loitering around now can we,” he joked, though it fell flat between them. 

He nodded, solemnly, though Kagami couldn't see it, and took another step back, and another, and another. 

“See you later, little Dragon,” John finally said, glancing back at her one more time and he reached the doorway. She hadn't moved, but for her hands balled into shaking fists. 

He finally heard her reply just before the door clicked shut.

“Goodbye, Constantine.”

The sound of the farewell, the closing of the door, and the suffocating silence afterwards felt far more final than anything else.


End file.
